i remember how he looked. those eyes, those very eyes that i've drowned in over and over again. till now that night is the last memory i have of him. funny how the week that preceded that night seems all blurry to me now though i had the chance to see him still since he left. but that night. ill remember that night because i'd decided i'd tell him somehow. it was now or never. id tell him before he left though he knew well enough what i had to say.

i blinked at the courage i mustered to do that. it surprised me, the rush i suddenly felt to tell him when everyone else was there. everyone else who'd witnessed how we'd grown to be like that, at that exact moment: scared and unsure. ive never done that for anyone else. he was the only one who'd somehow made me do that. he averted his eyes from me and tried to act naturally though he knew exactly for who i was singing the song for. in my mind i laughed and cursed him at the same time. how hard he tried to look cool when everyone else was looking at him. and i'll bet on my sanity that everyone else tried to pretend they didnt know too.

it was already a public secret, a matter of an obvious fact for everyone and there, on that night, they all knew well enough what was really happening. i fumbled for the lyrics though i knew them by heart. i wasnt facing the screen anymore. i was facing this person. i fumbled not because i was nervous but because i was trying so hard how to tell him in a way that was both subtle and straightforward, to fight the urge that was telling me to just shout it at him so i could just get it over with. i stammered for the next words while looking straight at him and 5 years of friendship, affection and unreserved love i'd unselfishly showered him. not that i minded it being unrequited. i was happy that way, i'd slave for him anyday. but that was the problem. i'd loved him that much and it had already bordered on being overboard. i knew he wallowed in the comfort that i'd always be okay to catch him anytime. and that was the danger. he was still a kid, i knew. he thrived on affection and attention. he loved being taken care of. and for five years id given that and more. and everyone else knew too. he was 'my kid'. through it all id been more than happy to always be the one whom he could talk with, confide with, be with. even when he admitted he'd fallen in love. why i did'nt see that coming i don't think i would ever know. i'd go on to be the one he would cry to when they fought, when she'd left him after a petty argument. when he asked me how to say sorry when it wasn't his fault.

maybe that was when i broke down, when i couldnt make him see that if it would have been me, there would be no need to say sorry, to cry, to even waste any tears. five years and still he could'nt figure it out. from that time on my heart knew i could not wait on him forever. when he leaves, that would be the last straw. i needed to draw the line between love and irrelevant affection. singing to him felt like singing for a volley of tears, dreams i'd kept for him and years and years of waiting that he'd grow up and finally realize, or even see what all this was for. i ended that song with much relief, liberated that it was over. he stole a glance at me finally, relieved somehow too, and i smiled at him. everyone took a moment before putting their hands together while laughing with an awkward undertone. that night i sang for him. i sang for him and i let him go.