trying to find the right words where words aren't enough to fill the spaces in between.

where words are mere ripples, thin wedges of light that happened to pass through in between meanings of a make believe fantasy that happened in one night.

i slept on the same clothes. the same clothes that i wore the whole time we were together.

somehow i'd imagined that i could carry his scent with me to bed. and off to dreams, where i could pretend that the night would last longer and that daybreak would wait on a little longer until i would be so enamored in the beauty of it all that even in my dreams i would fall sleep.

they say that most days are insignificant and uneventful. i was taught later on that there are no ordinary moments. somehow i never really reconciled the two. until i realized that they were entwined. that while it is true that most days are insignificant compared to that one night that would turn your life around, you somehow recall that the small pieces of moments that led you to that one remarkable night were there for its own sake. so that in the nature of their muted hues, that one special night would stand out--as vibrant and as vivid in your memory forever.

i usually write about love when it is long gone. when all i have are light remnants of a forgotten warmth. i don't usually hang around the feeling over and over because when it happens to me i give it all in one go. but this one time... i feel like it ended long before it started. and that it'll begin right before it ends. it's a messed up form of recurrence. it's crazy and twisted. but its familiar and comforting. it's hoping and quitting. it's waiting and letting go at the same time.

yes. i was drowned out but when i laid my head on his shoulder, and he moved to keep me closer i felt every movement in crisp action. there. right there. he was enough. it was enough. the world froze in its axis and i had wished that my stop was a few more kilometers away because that moment lasted quicker than i imagined it to be. suddenly my mind was clear and my thoughts light as air. while people stared i cared less. it was just he and i. and that was enough.

i don't expect too much. meeting him again after quite a long time was enough. enough pennies to fill quite a large space in my memory. seeing him at least once a week, talking to him on a daily basis, late night phone calls... somehow i knew this was going to happen. i had too much of him. and last night was the final straw. suddenly he was gone.

i guess he didn't really look at me the same way i did. i guess he never payed that much attention when i tried to make him feel special everyday. never was and never will be. too much but never quite there.

he dropped me off a few blocks from home and i was first to say goodbye. he waved away and left. i waited for him to look back. he never did. and he disappeared into the night again. just like he always did. on the very few nights we were together. only that night it was different. it was as if he disappeared and would never come back again...