tattered terrains

delayed butterflies

im not gonna mention the last time i wrote anything here
not that it matters
i was with him a while ago
and i waited for the butterflies
but they never came...
i guess they got into traffic
we got into it on the highway later tonight too.
i didn't see them though...
the butterflies.. i guess they were never supposed to come..

we were side by side
but there were no bells or chills
or sweet music in the background
only awkward silence
coupled with the occasional stifled comments at the movie
a forced giggle, a wry smile here and there..
out of respect i guess...
i guess i was waiting for it to happen again
as i've always had.
for reasons i have never understood
i have always kept pushing things to work..
for romance to happen
but then i learned that it gets crappy sometimes
when you force your way into a pithole
that you dug yourself
you realize sooner or later that being stuck in there
wasn't such a good idea anymore
and that those butterflies...
sometimes they find someplace else to go...

LAB SUNG

mahilig akong makinig sa love songs

lalo na yung may mga music videos.

mapaluma man yan o yung napapauso.

mula kay kenny loggins hanggang kay katie perry.

lahat sila ay gusto ko.

para sa akin kasi, para silang mga short love stories.

isang love story na encapsulated in three or four paragraphs.

may tugtog pa at enactment

oh dba. ang astig?

alam mo yung for a moment, you belong in that love story.

you're taken away by that moment.

suddenly you picture yourself.

isa ka sa mga main characters, taking part in that little drama.

yung narration, sequences, emotions at yung musika.

swak lahat kung baga.

mala-theatrical. mala-soap opera.

short love stories.

siguro din kasi pare-pareho sila lahat.

alam mo na pagkatapos ng first verse, nandun yung chorus

tas may second verse, balik sa chorus, yung bridge, tas yung chorus ulit.

pagkatapos nun, unti-unting mag fe-fade out yung instrumentals sa ending.

and before you know it, your made-up fantasy is done.

oo. pare-pareho sila lahat.

lahat sila may ending.

three or four minutes lang ang life span nila, matatapos din.

siguro din diyan sa pagkahumaling ko sa love songs

hinulma ko ang sarili kong experiences.

mahilig akong mag fantasize. ma-inlove.

inlove ako sa idea ng love.

gusto kong nilalasap siya, dinaramdam, ine-emote.

gusto kong ma-abuse ako.

o kaya naman ako yung ma-abuse.

napaka-masochistic ano?

pero ganun ako.

i want to take from it as much as i can.

savor it till the last miniscule drop.

all or nothing kung baga.

why love if you don't give it your all?

ayoko ng half-baked. gusto ko puro.

at lagi kong inisip na magiging masaya ako dahil dun.

lahat na ata ng klaseng tao minahal ko na.

emo. gangster. bad boy. spoiled brat. wallflower. chick boy. effeminate.

sa totoo lang.

wala pala masyadong difference.

ang sama ko ano.

ginawa ba naman silang lab rats?

hindi naman. it's not to say i didn't love them all because i did.

love is all the same naman.

i've always believed yung pagmamahal

nagkakatawang tao lang.

it's the same love in different packages.

but love remains the same.

yung nagsasabing nakakasakit ang pagmamahal.

mga ilusyonado kayo.

love is perfect.

nagkataon lang.

humans aren't

that's the beauty of it di ba?

the pain we think that love causes is just an illusion.

kasi na man ang boring naman kung walang nasasaktan di ba?

xempre kunyari meron daw.

para may drama. para may effect.

sinisisi niyo pa ang pagmamahal. kapal niyo.

anyway.

so back to my story na nga di ba?

yung pagiging masochistic ko.

kasi naman ang tao.

they always want what they can't have.

eh ganun na ganun ako.

feeling ko heroine ako.

feeling ko kaya ko ibigay sa isang tao yung kailangan niya.

yung pinaka hinahanap-hanap niya.

ang bagay na lahat tayo yun ang gusto makuha.

and we spend all our lives searching for it:

infinite happiness.

at inisip kong pagmamahal lamang ang makapagbibigay noon.

na pagmamahal lamang ang kailangan nila.

so eto naman ako. feeling savior ulit.

feeling perfect. feeling. feeling talaga.

eh sa nakalimutan ko nga pala yung fascination ko sa love songs di ba?

lahat nga pala ng love songs natatapos din.

kaya ayun. feeling ko rin hindi ako pwedeng magtagal sa isang relationship.

may ending dapat. may fade out na part kung baga.

kaya naman. yung mga pinangakuan ko ng infinite happiness.

biglang naguguluhan.

bakit kailangan tapusin eh wala namang problema?

kasi nga pala. naka-program ako.

unconsciously, na built up yun sa isip ko.

wala pa kasi akong naririnig na love song na hindi nagtatapos.

lahat kasi sila may life span para sa akin.

so ayun tinapos ko naman agad din na walang pag-aalinlangan.

and then after a few months.

bagong love song na naman yung tinutugtog ko.

at may bagong katambalan na naman ako sa drama ko.

sa totoo lang very recent lang ang discovery ko na ito,

milestone discovery pa nga kung baga.

siguro kasi din it came to a point na naramdaman ko at nasabi ko sa sarili ko.

"this just isn't right"

alam mo yung ayoko nang mang involve pa na tao

sa mga personal experiments ko.

di naman sa pinaglalaruan ko sila.

pero it came to a point na sumobra na nga yung mga ginawa ko...

suddenly i kissed a stranger.

suddenly i held hands with someone i didn't even think i know...

suddenly i caught myself saying i love you when i didn't.

and now it's like waking up from a dream.

parang biglang sinampal ako ng bonggang-bongga.

alam mo yun?

when everything else doesn't mean a thing at all?

para bang you catch yourself in your own little drama.

pero hindi na ikaw yung umaarte.

biglang mag zo-zoom out yung picture.

tas mag pa-pan ng bonggang-bonggang slow motion.

may pa-suspense na back ground music.

effects habang nag zo-zoom in sa subject.

and before you know it,

ikaw na pala yung nakaupo sa director's chair.

you're looking at it in a much bigger perspective.

nakikita mo na may mali sa placement ng back ground.

naririnig mo na sentonado na pala yung tumutugtog na music.

napapansin mo na mali ang blocking ng mga artista mo.

na kulang ang lighting, na mali ang mga linya.

and then suddenly it all makes sense.

you're making the wrong film pala.

fortunately lahat naman may chance na baguhin.

lahat naman pwedeng i-practice.

i-scrutinize. i-brainstorm.

pwede pang mag take-two.

so siguro din ngayon naiintindihan ko na.

oo. parang ganun na nga.

parang mahilig pa rin akong makinig sa love songs.

mahilig pa rin akong mag fantasize.

marami pa akong naiisip na magagandang eksena.

inlove pa rin ako sa idea ng love.

pero ngayon sinusubukan kong bumuo ng isang bagong storya.

yung phenomenal naman.

yung tipong kakaiba.

yung di pa naririnig.

yung di ko inaakalang posible pala.

oo.

siguro yung tipong di na matatapos...

Recurrence

so here i am again.

trying to find the right words where words aren't enough to fill the spaces in between.

where words are mere ripples, thin wedges of light that happened to pass through in between meanings of a make believe fantasy that happened in one night.

i slept on the same clothes. the same clothes that i wore the whole time we were together.

somehow i'd imagined that i could carry his scent with me to bed. and off to dreams, where i could pretend that the night would last longer and that daybreak would wait on a little longer until i would be so enamored in the beauty of it all that even in my dreams i would fall sleep.

they say that most days are insignificant and uneventful. i was taught later on that there are no ordinary moments. somehow i never really reconciled the two. until i realized that they were entwined. that while it is true that most days are insignificant compared to that one night that would turn your life around, you somehow recall that the small pieces of moments that led you to that one remarkable night were there for its own sake. so that in the nature of their muted hues, that one special night would stand out--as vibrant and as vivid in your memory forever.

i usually write about love when it is long gone. when all i have are light remnants of a forgotten warmth. i don't usually hang around the feeling over and over because when it happens to me i give it all in one go. but this one time... i feel like it ended long before it started. and that it'll begin right before it ends. it's a messed up form of recurrence. it's crazy and twisted. but its familiar and comforting. it's hoping and quitting. it's waiting and letting go at the same time.

yes. i was drowned out but when i laid my head on his shoulder, and he moved to keep me closer i felt every movement in crisp action. there. right there. he was enough. it was enough. the world froze in its axis and i had wished that my stop was a few more kilometers away because that moment lasted quicker than i imagined it to be. suddenly my mind was clear and my thoughts light as air. while people stared i cared less. it was just he and i. and that was enough.

i don't expect too much. meeting him again after quite a long time was enough. enough pennies to fill quite a large space in my memory. seeing him at least once a week, talking to him on a daily basis, late night phone calls... somehow i knew this was going to happen. i had too much of him. and last night was the final straw. suddenly he was gone.

i guess he didn't really look at me the same way i did. i guess he never payed that much attention when i tried to make him feel special everyday. never was and never will be. too much but never quite there.

he dropped me off a few blocks from home and i was first to say goodbye. he waved away and left. i waited for him to look back. he never did. and he disappeared into the night again. just like he always did. on the very few nights we were together. only that night it was different. it was as if he disappeared and would never come back again...

unkept

i have kept my heart for you
on summers, in between day dreams...
on wooden benches and long walks home...

...behind the shades of footsteps and shadows
smudged lipstick marks and mascara...
in mirrors and tissue napkins...
i have always carried a piece of you...

on blank notes and random pages
between spaces in scribbles on sheets
sketches: imperfect, unfinished,
of what nearest image i could have of you...

and on rainy days...
between sips of coffee
in silence and none
but the rhythm of raindrops slicing through my window...
basking even in the warmth
of the day breaking through the last few drops of rain...

it hovers over the long and dismal echoes of my guitar...
the quiet lapses between verses and endings
the pulse between my fingers and the strings
hewn in searching whispers in a song that longs for you...

i have kept my heart for you so secretly...
and sitting on one of my fingers is a proof
glistening between the facets of stone
that bears my very reason for exisence...
to be with you...
i have touched it a million times or more, even now...
if in the near future it could mean my hand touching yours
i will wait...
i will wait and my heart will not tire of you
and that my songs will always sing to you
between pauses and sighs,
love songs and poems,
i will wait...
even if you are but in the distance keeping your heart for someone else
still i will...
for when i sleep my dreams will always carry none but glimpses of you...
and as i wake my memories of them...

i have kept my heart for you...
if not always, in many times of the day
or in the countless quiet hours of the night...
but always, always in solace and hope
of what promise i have kept of you..

this heart...
do as you wish with it...
it will remain yours...
be it taken or unrequited

derision

i met him on one of those usual afternoons that seemed to stretch on forever.

it was nothing more than a harmless jeepney ride then, until i caught him

looking my way more than the usual acceptable count.

he was sitting two spots to the right, across from me.

i remembered finding an empty seat just when i got inside.

i glanced his way. nope. not my type. moving on.

i do remember dismissing him too. almost point blank--

with his geeky classes and dirty white uniform

as i sat myself and fanned my handkerchief across my neck

i caught him stare and hold on to that for a while.

i glanced away, intuitively, keeping the barrier up and tight.

nothing like the usual poker face to keep 'em away.

he was with another classmate too

and i couldn't make out the conversation but he was doing most of the talking.

great, the blabber mouth. he might have caught me eavesdropping

so he glanced back again.

shoot.

i shifted my weight to the left and turned my back against him, trying to pretend i didn't notice.

trying in vain to give him the 'go away' signal.

but he was extraordinarily persistent and i couldn't get the hang of it.

i fumbled for my handkerchief again

there were already blotches of dark brown and black.

pffft. white cotton handkerchiefs just can't seem to lie

my stop was still around 20 minutes away and it was burning like hell.

manila sure seeps deep into your skin.

a text message. YES. just what i needed to distract myself.

why didn't i think about that? pretend i was texting somebody

so i could save myself from this unnecessary show of eagerness?

click. open. load. view.

it was my dad, checking in on me. i smiled almost instantly.

any news from home was like cold, fresh water in this seemingly endless desert of dead souls.

my face lit up. i did that and unconsciously i glanced back at him.

oh crap. wrong move. his eyes seemed to light up too, in fake agreement.

ahhh. this is not good.

it was being too uncomfortable so i pretended to fall asleep.

i held on to that drama for about 5 minutes.

god, you should'a seen it. it was sensational.

when i managed to sneak a small peek just on my peripheral view

he seemed to have fallen asleep too.

only his was real. with water starting well at the corner of his lips.

ugh. disgusting.

a few stops later, his classmate went off and gave him a quick tap before coming down.

he woke up almost instantly, gooey and out of sync.

i leaned back at the edge of seat, maintaining my nonchalance.

and then it finally happened.

he looked at me, asked for the time, and the rest is history.

why did i give in?

i don't know.

maybe because all i wanted that time was for the day to end.

and in my perplexed and exasperated self

i found his presence surprisingly comforting.

random stuff now that im almost through with this

another blog entry in along time. yey!
okay. setting: Manila. time: 08:00. Sunday morning. almost only a week left till i go back to Davao. i'm really not quite sure where to start. or where i last took off so i can remember the last feeling i felt and not get too unattached to myself since my last post here. so im going to touch on some random stuff at the top of my head. here goes.

escapism and physics.

well for one there's Physics that i've almost finished dealing with. i have to say it was a gruesome match, it almost cut through my pride, punching holes right through me and my feeble attempts to pass one of the very few things ive never been confident in. and mind you, there are VERY few things i am not confident about because im never the shy one. what i have in my mind pretty much gets out of my mouth in screaming bright neons. so here goes physics and i haven't passed an exam, nor even got close to actually pass one. not that i didn't do what i could because i did. this is where my power-puff-girl-themed-cartolina's-scribbled-gibberish-with-formulas taped in my wall and heaps of photocopies on my bed side table comes in. but like i said, they were very feeble attempts compared to the class of would be engineers and physicists who probably failed the course just the other sem so everything's super cool and super fresh. whilst i, pranced happily right into that class woozy from more than two gaping years of hibernation from my first failed attempt of the course and with no idea whatsoever what kind of war i was getting myself into. others would think me crazy actually, leaping off to manila so suddenly, carrying nothing but a suitcase and dreams of not being delayed for another year. hah! illusions. oh well, there you go. did i ask too much? honestly yes. but i have no regrets either. just like any other decision i've made in my life. i have convinced myself to never EVER regret anything. no matter how shitty it gets. and this isn't the shittiest of all shitty i have gone through, trust me. i like the word my classmate once said when i was telling her i just had my coffee but i was still sleepy and i still had to study for my 2nd exam. ESCAPISM. it's your body's natural tendency to avoid things that your consciousness doesn't want you to deal with. and at first i didn't admit that but then when i actually contemplated on shifting to another course one gruesome night with physics and realize the morning after that i didn't want to, i realized that it was probably true. see, escapism thrives on being impulsive. and man, i am impulsive as impulsive can get. i can walk to school and decide to take the mrt and go elsewhere in a matter of seconds(not that i actually did that). call it being "random" of some sort, but trust me, it isn't pretty most of the time.

one-night-stands.

yeah. i kind of typed in that title faster than i could even realize what this part is supposed to be about. so uhm. no kinky stuff here. i wish there was but there isn't any. i was busy being the good girl and taking car of all the acad stuff so i basically lived in my bed the whole time (no seriously) so, whenever i got the chance to go out (by myself) they're all usually unplanned and spur of the moment trips...
in life we always think that most days are usually boring and uneventful. but then there are also those particular days which just turns everything upside down. chance encounters. 'magic moments', truly significant fragments of the day which tumbles you over on a full 360 turn and before you know it, you're a completely different person. so this is what this part is about. you may not realize this but manila is pretty scary when you're miles away from everything that you're familiar with, when you have no idea which stops will take you where and which people you'll have to deal with when you're left on your own. my mom calls it being in 'the wrong place at the wrong time'. when you know you're not supposed to be there but you realize that just a tad too late. it's funny because it was like a deja vu of some sort. because ive been in a similar situation when all the red lights keep telling you that it's the wrong turn and yet you still manage to break through that wall and find your way over that 'no trespassing' sign. okay. im probably talking gibberish now. but the bottom line is, like my mom said, i was at the wrong place at the wrong time. and the panic was almost too instant. suddenly manila was the most dreadful and hate-infested city in the world and i was right in the middle of it, in a quick sand that was pulling me under as fast as it was choking me. suddenly nothing else in the world mattered but that moment that brought me there. the adrenaline and panic that was building up clogging in my throat was just too much. too much that the desperation of release and giving up sounded like the most perfect idea. and then. SNAP. something clicked. that moment. when you wake up suddenly and you are aware of every detail of that moment. the sounds, the warm light, the movement, the people, the dead of the night. suddenly everything is in high-resolution and you could think clearly. that moment. anything could've happened to me then. but He was there. i could feel Him. it was as if i could see Him grinning at me and teasing me at the corner of the street, across from me. little me who looked so scared and helpless and weak. He never left me for a second there. all i needed was to let go. that night would be one of the nights i would always remember for a long time.

wheat bread and diliman.

so, i kind of developed this fancy of going out late at night and walking around the acad oval. well, half the acad oval, actually. the acad oval is the main one-way road that is rung along the perimeter of most of the main buildings in up diliman. that's about 2.2 kilometers for a full 'oval' and 1.1 for half (makes complete sense, doesn't it) so anyway, i do that because i think diliman is most beautiful and serene at night. at morning you know that people are always rushing off to class but at night it's calm and almost magical. i fall in love with it every time. there's something very captivating about the place. you just know there's so much history in here. when i walk the oval i try to imagine myself being part of that history. i actually have but somehow a part of me still belongs to davao. i liken that to another fancy ive developed while staying in diliman. i always stock a pack of wheat bread for breakfast. im not usually a breakfast person. i usually have coffee and that's it. but lately ive been addicted to wheat bread because sometimes when im too lazy to go out(since the dorm im staying in has no canteen) i just have them for lunch and go out have dinner someplace. eating bread for breakfast reminds me of home. when i wake up in the morning my mom asks me if ive eaten and she usually sends out our helper for bread no matter what time of the day it is even when it's late enough for lunch. its like i know i can always go somewhere else for a time but there is a piece of me that looks for home.

manila is like an adrenaline shot pierced right through you on impulse. and more often that not that rush is just so addictive that when it wanes down at the end of the day you find yourself staring into space, immobilized for the next few hours. but then when it simmers down there's a stigma in you that pulsates softly. a spot that wants to pull you back home. maybe that's the one thing that i realized about manila. everyone is always in a rush. every tick signals the end and the beginning of a whirlwind race. but davao. davao is cradles anyone in its buoy. there's no stress, no rush. everything is just. so. cool.

so the verdict? it's what my dad always says. always be in the moment. after that, do the next thing. so while im here, who knows what else is gonna happen? i sure have no idea. but while it's here i'm just gonna sit back, relax and breathe it all in.:)

i saw him again today in his usual jeans and campus shirt.

i hadn't seen him that much in quite a while.

he looked more tired than usual. his scruffy hair pointed in all directions

and his face frowned weary of a nearing hell.

and as he breezed through the classroom door and went straight to an empty chair

he let out an air of what seemed to be a mix of exhaustion and regret

shifting his weight in the other direction and facing towards me

i couldn't help but wish i could tell him that everything was going to be all right.

i had heard about it the other day.

we'd all chosen to be discreet about it.

while i chose to remain hopeful about another year's delay

all the talk and compromise had taken its toll on him.

i don't know why of all people i would care about him.

i could've dumped him and his nonchalance with everything else a long time ago.

but until now i just can't understand the gravity that pulls me to him...

no matter how grey and dusk his colors are somehow there is that unexplainable

wave of emotion that pulls me to invite him in.

my name is willow and this is my story.

*****

when life gives you crap,

you give it back 10 times.

believe me things get too shitty too many times that i'd stop caring long before.

there are things you just have no control of.

you could try to talk your way out of it like a pro

but some people just give you crap for what it's worth.

there are no shortcuts.

if there is one thing i've learned then that's that.

keeping your cool when everybody else is on a chaos

doesn't help much either.

they either think you're too lazy or you're too bossy.

and i can't even try to start explaining myself when i see the chance

because then i'd give them more reason to ignore me.

things haven't been going well my way these days

and i admit i've tipped up a good number of people

for no apparently clear reason

but what the heck.

im tired and this has been going on too long

so what's the point?

things couldn't get possibly worse than this.

my name is sage and this is my story.